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By Gabe UtstuffWASHINGTON, D.C. — The same luminous geniuses who dropped a quarter-million dollars on gender studies degrees, pronoun workshops, and advanced courses in “Why Math Is Racist” have once again cracked the case: President Trump staged the White House Correspondents’ Dinner shooting to ram through construction of his lavish, bulletproof, drone-proof White House ballroom.“Obviously it was all a setup,” explained Dr. Avery Sparkle-Pronoun (they/them), adjunct professor of Oppression Studies at a university that hasn’t taught a useful skill since 2019. “The gunman, the Secret Service swarm, the duck-and-cover panic in the Hilton ballroom — it’s all classic Trump theater so he can get his fancy dance hall where he’ll probably force everyone to do the Macarena in MAGA hats. We’re not falling for it!”Dr. Sparkle-Pronoun, whose own thesis was titled “Cisheteronormative Ballroom Dancing as Colonial Violence,” went on to note that the exact same brain trust correctly identified the 2024 Butler assassination attempt as staged, the 2025 golf course near-miss as staged, and the time Trump ate a well-done steak as “performative toxic masculinity.”White House officials pointed out that the $400 million secure ballroom has been in the works for years, is being built to military specs, and would have prevented the entire Hilton fiasco. Progressives dismissed the explanation as “more fascist gaslighting” and demanded an immediate congressional investigation led by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), who has already pre-written the report: “Orange Man Bad, Also Probably a Russian Asset, Also the Ballroom Is Literally Hitler.”At press time, TDS News confirmed that every gender-studies graduate in America has now updated their LinkedIn to read “Conspiracy Theorist / Professional Truth-Teller / Unemployed.”