An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his farm. He and the doctor started chatting, with the conversation soon turning to politics.
The old farmer explained: “Well, as I ... View MoreAn old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his farm. He and the doctor started chatting, with the conversation soon turning to politics.
The old farmer explained: “Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Turtles’.”
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old farmer explained as best he could: “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle on top, that’s a ‘post turtle.’
The doctor remained puzzled. The farmer continued further.
“You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of idiot put him there to begin with.”
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and ... View MoreTired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolies supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this...)
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Woolies!
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n their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple.
"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted.
"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
Some Weekend Humour
The Fly
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, s... View MoreSome Weekend Humour
The Fly
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.
Traditions
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench.
He went over there and asked them why they guard it.
"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"
He searched for the last commander's phone number and called him to ask him why did he want guards on this particular bench.
"I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition."
Going back another 3 commanders, he found a new 100-year-old retired General.
"Excuse me, sir. I'm now the CO of the camp you commanded 60 years ago. I've found 2 men assigned to guard a bench. Could you please tell me more about the bench?"
"What?! Is the paint still wet?
Thrift
An elderly woman’s husband dies. She wants an obit in the paper but she’s a real penny pincher. She calls up the paper and says; “I need to get an obit for my husband in the paper. What’s the cheapest one you got?”
The person at the paper says; “Well ma’am, you have to buy at least one line.” The woman says; “Ok, I want it to say ‘Frank’s dead.’”
The person on the phone says; “Well ma’am, with one line you can have up to five words.”
The old woman says; “Wonderful! Then I want it to say “Frank’s dead. Truck for sale.”
Problem Solving Flow Chart
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you s... View MoreGrandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
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