A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the... View MoreA police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
. 👨⚖️⚖️ 🏛
A judge asks a defendant to please stand.
"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chainsaw."... View More. 👨⚖️⚖️ 🏛
A judge asks a defendant to please stand.
"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chainsaw."
From the back of the courtroom, a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge.
"You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one
Some weather folk lore..."Red sky at night" and other weather lore
________________________________________
How many of these weather sayings do you recognise and is there any truth to them?
In this a... View MoreSome weather folk lore..."Red sky at night" and other weather lore
________________________________________
How many of these weather sayings do you recognise and is there any truth to them?
In this article we look at some of these sayings and whether there is any science to back them up.
Dating back thousands of years, weather forecasting had to rely less on scientific data and more on human experience. The sayings became particularly important in sailing and agriculture, as they looked for reliable forecasts ahead of time.
From this, developed the old weather sayings and phrases we see and hear today.
Red sky at night
The concept of "Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning" first appears in the Bible in the book of Matthew. It is an old weather saying often used at sunrise and sunset to signify the changing sky and was originally known to help the shepherds prepare for the next day's weather.
Despite there being global variations in this saying such as "Red sky at night, sailors delight. Red sky in morning, sailors warning", the scientific understanding behind such occurrences remains the same.
Why does a red sky appear at sunrise and sunset?
The saying is most reliable when weather systems predominantly come from the west as they do in the UK. "Red sky at night, shepherds delight" can often be proven true, since red sky at night means fair weather is generally headed towards you.
A red sky appears when dust and small particles are trapped in the atmosphere by high pressure. This scatters blue light leaving only red light to give the sky its notable appearance.
A red sky at sunset means high pressure is moving in from the west, so therefore the next day will usually be dry and pleasant. "Red sky in the morning, shepherds warning" means a red sky appears due to the high-pressure weather system having already moved east meaning the good weather has passed, most likely making way for a wet and windy low-pressure system.
St Swithun's Day
The saying goes:
St. Swithun’s day, if thou dost rain,
For forty days it will remain;
St. Swithun’s day, if thou be fair,
For forty days 'twill rain no more
This story originated with St. Swithun, the Bishop of Winchester in the Anglo-Saxon era. He initially requested to be buried outside where he said he might be subject 'to the feet of passers-by and to the raindrops pouring from on high.'
On 15 July, more than a century later, his body was moved to an indoor shrine and so began the heavy shower. This was said to be a result of the saint's anger at being moved.
The rain continued from 15 July for 40 days and nights. This led to a folklore myth that whatever the weather is like on 15 July will be how it is on the following 40 days and nights.
Does it really happen?
The jet stream does play an important part in predicting how the weather would be for the next 40 days and nights from the end of June/early July. The location of the jet stream shortly after the summer solstice largely determines the following summer's weather.
If the jet stream is located southerly then it is likely to be a more unsettled summer. If the jet stream is in a northerly position then the weather is likely to be brighter and dry throughout summer.
However, this does not prove that heavy rainfall for St. Swithun's Day and the following 40 days and nights could happen. In fact, since records began there has been no occurrence of rainfall for such a prolonged period of time.
More weather sayings and lore
When halo rings Moon or Sun, rain's approaching on the run
When a ring appears around the Moon or Sun, sometimes referred to as haloes, this suggests rainfall may be approaching. The halo is caused by ice crystals formed in high clouds. These ice crystals then refract the light from the Moon or Sun. As the ice crystals travel lower, precipitation becomes more likely. In summer months particularly, the Halo can be a sign of approaching storms.
A ring appearing around the Moon or Sun may also be a result of a 'corona'. Where the formation of a halo is due to light refraction, a corona is formed from light being diffracted. As the light travels through the cloud, it is deflected around the water droplets. This causes a corona which appears as a circle around the light source.
When the wind is out of the East, tis never good for man nor beast
This weather proverb carries some truth if you consider the various air masses that affect Britain and its weather. The air mass coming in from a northeasterly direction is the 'polar continental;' record low temperatures have been seen due to this air mass affecting Britain. This air mass originates in places such as Eastern Europe and Russia to affect Britain with bitterly cold winds in winter and dry, warm winds in summer. Although, it is usually only apparent in Britain during winter (between November and April).
Mackerel sky and mare's tails make tall ships carry low sails
This weather proverb originates from a nautical background when different cloud types were used to determine whether sails needed to be lowered. Also referred to as just a 'mackerel sky', it is associated with altocumulus clouds while 'mare's tails' refer to cirrus clouds. Both could develop before the instance of a storm, which would lead to the lowering of the ship's sails. Altocumulus clouds appear when there is a certain level of moisture in the air suggesting rainfall is approaching. The term "mackerel sky" comes from the clouds resemblance to the scales of a mackerel.
Rain before seven, fine by eleven
This refers to the fact that weather systems tend to be variable and move through the UK fairly quickly, with the prevalent westerly airflow off the Atlantic. Whilst this can sometimes mean that a low-pressure front may have moved through in a morning, this is not always the case and rain can (and often does) stay around for longer than a morning.
Whilst this saying may sometimes be true, it is far from reliable.
Cows lie down when it’s about to rain
An age old piece of weather lore says that cows lying down is a sign that rain is on the way.
Several theories have been proposed for this, some say that cows are particularly sensitive to atmospheric pressure, while others have suggested that they sense the moisture in the air and lie down to save themselves a dry patch of grass.
However, cows lie down for many reasons and there's no scientific evidence that rain is one of them.
More likely they are just relaxing and chewing their cud.
Pine cones open when good weather is on the way
This is one of the sayings that is grounded in scientific fact.
The opening and closing of pines cones is dictated by humidity.
In dry weather, pine cones open out as the drying scales shrivel and stand out stiffly. In damp conditions the increased moisture allows more flexibility and the cone returns to its normal closed shape.
It’s too cold to snow
The main basis for this myth is that the cooler the air is, the less moisture it is able to hold. However, even the coldest air is still able to hold some moisture, so while it may be unlikely to snow, it is still possible.
Furthermore, there are many other factors beyond temperature which determine whether or not snow will form
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. 🐧🐧🐧👮
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says: ... View MoreA police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. 🐧🐧🐧👮
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sunglasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands:
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies:
“I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!
An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his farm. He and the doctor started chatting, with the conversation soon turning to politics.
The old farmer explained: “Well, as I ... View MoreAn old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his farm. He and the doctor started chatting, with the conversation soon turning to politics.
The old farmer explained: “Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Turtles’.”
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old farmer explained as best he could: “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle on top, that’s a ‘post turtle.’
The doctor remained puzzled. The farmer continued further.
“You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of idiot put him there to begin with.”
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and ... View MoreTired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolies supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this...)
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Woolies!
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n their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple.
"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted.
"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
Some Weekend Humour
The Fly
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, s... View MoreSome Weekend Humour
The Fly
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.
Traditions
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench.
He went over there and asked them why they guard it.
"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"
He searched for the last commander's phone number and called him to ask him why did he want guards on this particular bench.
"I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition."
Going back another 3 commanders, he found a new 100-year-old retired General.
"Excuse me, sir. I'm now the CO of the camp you commanded 60 years ago. I've found 2 men assigned to guard a bench. Could you please tell me more about the bench?"
"What?! Is the paint still wet?
Thrift
An elderly woman’s husband dies. She wants an obit in the paper but she’s a real penny pincher. She calls up the paper and says; “I need to get an obit for my husband in the paper. What’s the cheapest one you got?”
The person at the paper says; “Well ma’am, you have to buy at least one line.” The woman says; “Ok, I want it to say ‘Frank’s dead.’”
The person on the phone says; “Well ma’am, with one line you can have up to five words.”
The old woman says; “Wonderful! Then I want it to say “Frank’s dead. Truck for sale.”
Problem Solving Flow Chart
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you s... View MoreGrandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
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