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A masked bandit hit a Virginia liquor store and somehow made the police report sound like a rejected sitcom pilot.The real detail is that this was not his first questionable life choice.In Ashland, the raccoon reportedly dropped through the ceiling, tore into the bottom shelf, smashed 14 bottles, and sampled enough rum, scotch, whiskey, moonshine, vodka, peanut butter whiskey, and eggnog to end the night beside a toilet.By morning, animal control found him passed out in the bathroom, unharmed except for what officials politely described as possible hangover symptoms and poor decisions.Then came the twist. Authorities said he had already broken into a DMV for snacks and a karate studio on the same block.Not all wildlife adapts to city life gracefully. Some apparently build a criminal résumé.Nature gave him a mask. Black Friday gave him motive.