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NEW YORK, NY — As garbage piles up like leftist talking points, migrants pour in faster than you can say “sanctuary city,” and actual human residents dodge both literal and figurative rats on every subway platform, New York City lawmakers have zeroed in on the real crisis: those mean old glue traps that hurt the rodents’ feelings.“This is a victory for compassion,” declared the grinning councilman at the podium, looking like he just won the Nobel Peace Prize for Pest Control. “While the city falls apart around us, we must ensure our furry little constituents don’t suffer the indignity of sticking around too long. Glue traps are basically rodent torture chambers. We prefer they die with dignity — preferably after they’ve already chewed through three power lines and given your toddler hantavirus.”Animal rights groups cheered the move, noting that rats deserve the same due process as illegal immigrants. “Next up,” sources say, “banning mousetraps because the spring mechanism is ‘ableist’ against one-legged vermin.”At press time, city officials were still refusing to ban actual rats, citing them as a vital part of the “diverse urban ecosystem.”Reported by Mike Rotchburns, TDS News