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WASHINGTON — In what medical experts are calling “the driest night in American history,” millions of liberal men across the country reportedly experienced acute vaginal dryness immediately after crowds at the State of the Union erupted into repeated chants of “USA! USA!”Local man Chad “Feels” McTrigger, 34, told reporters he was “perfectly hydrated” until the first chant hit. “It was like someone sucked all the moisture out of my emotional womb,” he whispered, dabbing at his eyes with a lavender essential-oil diffuser. “I had to run to the gender-neutral bathroom and slather on three tubes of Astroglide just to feel something again.”Dr. Lena Comfort, a leading specialist in micro-aggression-induced desiccation at the University of California-Berkeley Medical School for the Oppressed, confirmed the epidemic. “The data is clear,” she said, adjusting her pronoun necklace. “Every decibel of ‘USA’ causes a 47% drop in liberal male vaginal lubrication. We’re seeing levels not recorded since the Fourth of July, 1776.”At press time, CVS had completely sold out of personal moisturizer in every blue city, while affected men were spotted forming support circles and chanting “This is not who we are” in increasingly hoarse, sandpaper-like voices.Mike RotchburnsTDS News — “Still Triggered Since 2016”