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PORTLAND, OR — In a press conference that had all the emotional stability of a toddler’s nap time, Portland Police Chief Bob Day sobbed uncontrollably while reluctantly confirming that the undocumented immigrants gunned down by ICE agents were, in fact, hardened members of the notorious Venezuelan gang Tren de Aragua. “I… I just can’t believe it,” Day whimpered, dabbing his eyes with a rainbow-striped handkerchief. “We were all set to blame this on systemic racism and toxic masculinity, but darn it, the facts got in the way.”Sources close to the chief say the breakdown was triggered by a sudden realization that federal authorities might occasionally be right about something. “It was like watching a vegan discover bacon,” one anonymous officer quipped. Day, fighting back sniffles, addressed the Latino community with heartfelt apologies for having to “qualify these remarks,” insisting that his tears were a direct result of “the lingering effects of orange man’s mean tweets” rather than any personal weakness.TDS News correspondent Gabe Owners, reporting from a safe space bunker, noted, “This is peak Portland: A top cop turning into a human faucet because criminals turned out to be… criminals. Next thing you know, they’ll admit defunding the police wasn’t such a hot idea after all.” Local activists have since launched a GoFundMe for therapy dogs and essential oils to help the chief recover from this devastating blow to progressive narratives.