photo #8861613

Little Rock, AR – In a shocking exclusive interview that has conspiracy theorists everywhere adjusting their tin foil hats, former President Bill Clinton has come clean about discovering his own impending demise penciled into his wife’s day planner.“I knew those pictures of me on Pedo Island were bad,” Clinton admitted with a folksy chuckle to TDS News reporter Gabe Owners, while sipping what he claimed was “just herbal tea.” “But I had no idea my suicide was already in Hillary’s date book! I mean, she’s organized, but scheduling my ‘mysterious accident’ right between ‘yoga class’ and ‘world domination meeting’? That’s cold, even for her.”Sources close to the Clintons – who wished to remain anonymous for obvious reasons – confirm that Hillary’s schedule is a meticulously color-coded masterpiece, complete with entries like “8 AM: Destroy emails” and “Noon: Lunch with Soros.” Clinton reportedly stumbled upon the entry while looking for their anniversary date, only to find “Bill’s ‘suicide’ – 2 PM, make it look like autoerotic asphyxiation” slotted in for next Tuesday.When asked for comment, Hillary Clinton’s office released a statement saying, “This is baseless nonsense. Bill is perfectly safe… as long as he doesn’t touch my planner again.” Clinton, for his part, laughed it off, adding, “Hey, at least it’s not during football season!”TDS News will continue to monitor this story, because if anyone’s going to break the news of Bill’s “tragic fall down the stairs,” it’s us. Stay tuned, and remember: Lock your date books, folks.