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WHAT’S UNDER THE MUSTACHE? Cartoon published 10/17/2025 In a plot twist that even his hawkish foreign policy couldn’t foresee, former National Security Advisor John Bolton surrendered to federal authorities in Maryland today, just one day after a grand jury slapped him with an 18-count indictment for mishandling classified documents. Accused of transmitting top-secret intel through personal online accounts—some of which were later hacked by Iranian operatives—Bolton arrived at the courthouse looking as stern as ever, his iconic walrus mustache perhaps hiding a grimace of regret. Critics are calling it poetic justice for the man who once penned a tell-all book spilling White House beans, now facing charges that could land him in hot water hotter than a Middle East conflict he might have advocated for. John Bolton’s 2020 memoir, The Room Where It Happened, ignited one of the most explosive publishing sagas in modern political history, blending high-stakes national security debates with personal vendettas. Fresh off his ouster as Trump’s National Security Advisor in September 2019, Bolton inked a $2 million deal with Simon & Schuster for a tell-all that promised unfiltered White House chaos. Bolton’s recent indictment for mishandling classified docs, including transmissions via personal channels later hacked by Iranians, circles back to those early manuscript shares, turning his literary triumph into a legal albatross. In a delicious irony, the hawk who once decried Hillary Clinton’s emails and Signal chats as security lapses now faces Espionage Act scrutiny for his own guarded whispers—proving that in Washington, the pen can be mightier, but far more perilous, than the sword. The real question lingers: what’s under that mustache? If the illustration is any guide, it’s a stash of “TOP SECRET” tidbits, complete with peddling Trump-era gossip for book sales. With Attorney General Pam Bondi overseeing the Justice Department’s pursuit, it seems Bolton’s follicular fortress has finally been breached, revealing not just classified docs but a career built on guarded whispers turned public spectacles. Who knew that the key to national security leaks was hiding in plain sight, right above his upper lip? —The GrrrTeam