photo #7511526

I want to talk about my spiritual journey a little bit. I've learned that I come from a different place than a lot of people. My spirituality comes from within and WHO I AM. I've noticed a lot of people go from the outside in.. It like cooking something with an oven versus cooking in a microwave. An oven cooks your food from the inside out. A microwave cooks from the outside in. That's why sometimes it looks like your meal is cooked and it's still frozen in the middle. I've been trying to think if there one defining moment. A moment that made me more awake and aware. Was it when I was 12 years old and went to my first sweat lodge? Was it when I received the holy spirit when I was 20? Or did something happen on the operating table, during my heart surgery when I was a child? I can write all day about amazing and divine experiences I've had in my life. I can't think of a defining moment when I was normal and then I was spiritual. As powerful as those things were. I see those things as helping me to grow and move to the next level of my evolution and healing. Or, it helped me to keep fighting and encouraged me to keep going. Each experience taught me about myself, life and whatever else the Universe was trying to teach me at the time. The Bible talks about God, being the protector of the widow and the fatherless. Growing up in foster care, feeling abandoned and alone. The days and hours I had to spend in my room at my aunties house. She took me and my sister in. She already had 2 sons. So, I spent most of my time neglected and alone. I never considered myself to be intelligent. The one thing everyone always complimented me on was my kind heart. Law of attraction, you become what you focus on. I learned being a kind, caring, compassionate person is WHO I AM. I always felt safe and free, listening to and following my heart. I see now, the time I was left in my room alone, as a child. I was learning to be okay with living in my heart. I learned to love being in my own space. It's where I felt safe and protected. My life long challenge is finding people I trust enough to let into that space. That's why I've had to push everyone away the past few years. I've had to do a lot of shadow work. Working on my shame, fear, insecurities and all the things that prevent me from finding my tribe and being my true authentic self. In my early 20's I used to speak straight from the heart. Not realizing how that effected people. I didn't realize how afraid of the truth people were. When people lashed out, rejected me or whatever reaction they had. I didn't even really understanding what I was saying. I was just channeling from the Universe. I would take it personally, when people would project their insecurities to onto me . Thinking that something was wrong with me. So little by little I started hiding that part of myself. I would tell people I trusted about some of experiences that I had. Like the time I was homeless and prayed for money and miraculously found 20$ in my pocket. They would accuse me of being a liar and a story teller. Like the guys when you tell a story. Then they tell you how they've done it ten times bigger or better than you. The last thing I want to be is considered a liar or manipulator. So, I stopped sharing my experiences. Trying to pretend to be like everyone else. Which is why it's been such a journey, just being able to write about my experiences. When I go to different spiritual places and take their workshops. Most of the time only confirms and brings more depth to what I already know. I remember talking a reiki class a few years ago. For me it was like going back to elementary school again. I enjoyed the experience, because it helped me to get back to the basics and get grounded. Everyone else in the class it was a profound experience for them. I AM a spiritual being, having a human experience. That means good days, bad days and everything in between that is WHO I AM. I think that's because I found my spiritual self at such a young age. That's my default position. I struggle the most with my humanness. I can talk about the God, mysterious of the universe or any deep conversation , until the cows come home. However, ask me to do normal every day things. Like maintaining a healthy routine, self-care, cooking, cleaning, etc. It's a battle for me to do those things. I've come a long way to realize who I am and why I operate differently. There's a big difference between operating from your heart and mind. The mind is where we give and receive information. The heart is where we discern and siphon, the truth and wisdom from the information that we receive. Our souls show us the time and space to share our truth and wisdom. As I discover and appreciate my mind. I've been finding that middle ground with people who have operated from their minds their whole lives. As, I find that middle ground more often, I'm excited to see what door will open for me and the people I will be able to help...