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Exclusive Report by Hugh Janus NORFOLK, VA — In what campus administrators are already calling “problematic,” a squad of quick-thinking ROTC cadets at Old Dominion University turned a would-be massacre into a masterclass in applied patriotism yesterday when an Islamic terrorist burst into their classroom, screamed “Allahu Akbar,” and opened fire. Instead of forming a feelings circle or calling for a bias response team, the cadets immediately surrounded the gunman, tackled him to the ground, and neutralized the threat in under three minutes — preventing what authorities say could have been dozens more casualties. One student reportedly even improvised with a pocket knife while the rest held the attacker down like it was basic training on a Tuesday. “Not all heroes wear capes,” said one eyewitness still buzzing with adrenaline. “Some just show up to class ready to protect the free world between PowerPoint slides.” The cadets have been hailed as legends by everyone except the usual suspects now demanding “context” and “root causes.” Meanwhile, the terrorist — fresh off federal prison for trying to join ISIS — will not be receiving a participation trophy. Proud of you, gentlemen. America still has a pulse, and it’s beating in uniform.