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Exclusive Report by Dawn KeeBalz WASHINGTON — In a display of brain-melting stupidity that left observers wondering how she ties her own shoes, Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-HI) issued a dire warning Monday that the SAVE Act is basically the end of democracy as we know it — because it would force voters to prove they’re actually U.S. citizens before voting. “This is straight-up voter suppression!” Hirono shrieked while clutching her flower brooch like a life raft. “For years we’ve let people just swear on a stack of nothing that they’re citizens. Now these evil Republicans want to make you show a birth certificate or passport? What is this, North Korea? Next they’ll demand ID to buy beer, board a plane, get a job, drive a car, or pick up a welfare check!” Sources close to the senator confirmed she remains baffled why proving you’re eligible to vote is somehow harder than proving you’re eligible for literally every other thing in adult life. “It’s almost like she thinks voting is the one sacred American activity where showing up and breathing should be enough,” one aide whispered before immediately being fired for committing basic logic. At press time, Hirono was organizing “No ID, No Problem” rallies where participants will bravely register to vote by simply yelling “I’m a citizen, trust me, bro” into a megaphone. Democrats insist this is the only fair way to preserve our sacred democracy.