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NEW YORK, NY — In a stunning display of journalistic integrity and cultural sensitivity, Mayor Zohran Mamdani released an emergency statement Saturday evening to assure terrified New Yorkers that the man hurling flaming jars of shrapnel outside Gracie Mansion was definitely not engaging in Islamic terrorism. “The suspect clearly shouted ‘Aloha Snackbar Bar!’” Mamdani explained, beaming beside the curly-haired Pennsylvania teen still reeking of hobby fuse and regret. “That’s obviously a traditional Hawaiian greeting followed by an enthusiastic request for overpriced cocktails. This was a peaceful act of cross-cultural mixology, not extremism. And let’s be clear: those were not ‘explosive devices.’ They were environmentally conscious smoke emitters with bonus festive nuts and bolts for that artisanal crunch.” Local media outlets immediately praised the mayor’s nuanced take. CNN described the incident as “a vibrant expression of non-binary pyrotechnics,” while MSNBC ran a chyron reading “Diversity Sparks of Joy!” TDS News Senior Cope Correspondent Gabe Owners added, “Thank goodness we avoided the real threat here — someone yelling something problematic like ‘Merry Christmas.’ Sources confirm the devices were just misunderstood freedom fireworks protesting Islamophobia. Case closed, bigots.” No word yet on whether the Bomb Squad will be rebranded as the “Festive Sparkler Response Team.”