photo #906448

Yeah, I have made many poor decisions in my life, but one of them has seemed to follow me through a span of 40 years this year. I did not ask for that decision to keep popping up in my life. Frankly, when I left her to her own devices, I never thought we would ever talk or see one another again. Just the same, I did my best to avoid her at all cost. See my crime here I loved a young lady who was a very selfish young lady back when we dated. I want to marry and everything else that went with that. It was not until I decided to ask her father for her hand that I understood I was madly in love with someone who did not really love me. She loved what I could provide to her. I gave her attention, she got public attention, and she got all kinds of attention by pinning me and her sister against one another so she could garner more attention from her parents. I was devastated when I came to terms with all of this. Personally, I would have rather she would have broken up with me than me breaking up with her. Maybe then we would have never bumped into one another throughout our life. I made one mistake, actually, I made two dating her and lying to her when I broke up with her. See, I got in my head, if I lie to her she will figure that out and never want to ever speak to me again. I also lied because I was a coward at the time. See I unconditionally loved this young lady with every fiber of my being and never wanted to tame her. After I broke up with her, I went on to trying to destroy my life and nearly killed myself multiple times. Man, I was a mess, It would take me about 3 years to get my head out of a bottle of Jack Daniels. Once I did, I joined the Navy and eventually halfway around the world.I never thought I would ever hear from this young woman again. Yet, just as I was scheduled to changed duty stations, I get this letter from her. Blew me the hell away, I could not go halfway around the world to be stationed in Guam for her to end up finding me anyway. This would not be the last time something like this would happen. In fact, it has happened 3 more times and the last was about 3 years ago. I really had not been on social media all that much and I had not kept up with most of the people I knew throughout my life. Anyway, one day I get this Facebook friend invited from her, mind you this 37 years later and we had not said spit to one another in much since the second time we crossed paths briefly and talked for several minutes in a grocery store. Anyway, I thought about it some, see I am of the mind the past should remain in past. I don't like having to relive people and events that were especially not pleasant thoughts and memories for me. Having her sending an invite to me may have been nothing to her, but it meant a helluva, which makes sense because, in the end, our relationship did not mean a thing to her. Anyway, I ponder the thought of opening this 37-year-old box of massive pain. I was not sure I wanted to unlock this mess, because I knew I was going to end up a mess, blow up, and basically do what I did 37 years ago when I went through the roof and broke up with her. To her, this was a mere invite to be casual friends. For me, this was about the be the bulk of my life flashing before my eyes and what pain I was about to unleash I wish I had listened to myself and said "hell no."Nah, my dumb as thought, hell I loved her and had always hoped she would want to eventually be friends or more at various stages of my past life. I thought I am much older now, been through my share of crap, it will be okay and I can handle anything she might want to do. This was like the perfect storm producing a tidal wave of stupidity I was about to put myself through. I took the invite, did not establish any boundaries, because why should we, we are both are in a long term relationship with our spouse, and have adult or almost adult children. Everything was fine until I started trying to be more than a casual passing friend on Facebook. yes, I still loved her, but I did not want anything more than friendship to occur between us. I always wanted to be a close friend with her, someone she could talk to when she needs someone or advice. This was what I was seeking and I did not ask but got the indication she was on the same page. It was not until some time passed I started getting those feelings of well, I want to be friends but I am not sure what type of friends I want to be with you, type of friend. It started to feel very much like our actual relationship again, all over again. I started to lose it again, I could feel myself getting ready to blow my top again. Well, the short story here, I blew and went on for the next three years again going down the rabbit hole with this woman who had the gall to blame me for living in the past. I did not come looking for her. She came looking for me, then began claiming she was some type of victim, then called me a stalker, because she simply did not want to deal with opening up a locked box she should have left closed forever if she had no intentions of seeing a friendship through, much like she did not want to see a relationship through long ago. This was very difficult to let go this time around and it has taken a helluva lot out of me. Though through it all it was nice to finally clear some of the air with her. She has largely refused to want to deal with her end of this mess that she does not want to take any responsibility for. So again, like an idiot, I took full responsibility because I did not need to let her back in my life, no matter how much I wanted her in my life for 40 years. I knew who she was long ago and she had not really changed under all that hot mess of a life she was forced to live. I don't like having to pay for the same crime twice in my life. I loved a young lady unconditionally that did not love me with equal intensity. Had she done so we would have been married and had whatever comes with all that. I don't know if we would have made it through all 40 years together, but I would like to think so since I have been married for almost 25 and she like 21 or so years to other people. We clearly were meant for a long-term relationship that much is obvious.I took a vow before her and God 40 years ago to love her unconditionally until the end of time. I have never wavered in that love despite how she has chosen to treat me since I fell in love with her hazel eyes 40 years ago. This meme hit a nerve, and the above is not about living in the past. It is about someone of the past coming into the present and not being mindful of what the hell they are choosing to do to not only them but to the other person and to both of them at the same time. Yes, she blames me, won't talk to me, made me feel all these past feelings, then claims I am the one living in the past. Whatever, whatever! I loved you and you shit on me! I let you go a long time ago and if you were not going to come to me on friendly terms, then you should have stayed out of my life. I had zero intention of ever coming to disturb yours after so many years. The lesson is taken and learned for the second and last time. You have one more shot before God to make this right. If not, please do not bother me again!