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By Hugh Janus CHICAGO — In a bombshell revelation that has progressive city leaders frantically Googling “how to cancel your own voters,” a Chicago aid-office security guard has finally explained why the Windy City failed to produce the usual fiery protests, smashed windows, and “abolish ICE” dance parties seen in Los Angeles and Minneapolis: the locals were too busy seething with jealous rage over the five-star welfare treatment being lavished on illegal migrants. The young Black woman, who spent her days checking IDs at an Illinois Department of Human Services office, told reporters she watched Venezuelan families roll up daily to their very own VIP line — separate, faster, and apparently printed on gold-embossed paper — while U.S. citizens who actually pay Chicago’s soul-crushing property taxes waited in the peasant queue like it was a Soviet bread line. “They were getting three, four thousand dollars in LINK, cash, hotel vouchers, the works,” she said, still visibly triggered. “Real Chicago residents? Begging for a hundred bucks a month and praying the system didn’t glitch and cut them off entirely. Y’all know how we talk — the whole office heard it every morning: ‘All these motherfuckers getting this much money?’” City Hall sources confirmed the silence wasn’t due to sudden respect for federal law, but because the usual protest crowd was too occupied writing strongly-worded letters to their aldermen demanding the same red-carpet treatment. One alderman reportedly muttered, “We told them equity would be uncomfortable,” before sprinting back to his taxpayer-funded SUV. At press time, activists were desperately trying to rebrand the entire episode as “white supremacy” — even though the security worker and most of the angry residents are Black. Hugh Janus is a senior correspondent for TDS News and the author of “Everything Is Racist Except the Things That Aren’t.”