photo #8917896

Presidential ReviewsMinneapolis, MN – In a stunning display of tactical genius, ICE agents descended upon the chaotic scene of Minneapolis protests armed not with batons or tear gas, but with stacks of crisp, white job applications. Eyewitnesses report that the so-called “welfare bum protesters” – those valiant warriors against the system, who apparently view gainful employment as a form of cruel and unusual punishment – immediately dispersed faster than you can say “universal basic income.”According to sources on the ground (who were too busy filling out W-4 forms to comment extensively), the agents targeted local businesses, handing out applications for positions like “barista with a side of reality check” and “warehouse warrior.” One protester, who wished to remain anonymous while checking his EBT balance, was overheard muttering, “Not today, Satan!” as he hightailed it to the nearest safe space.“This is next-level deterrence,” said an ICE spokesperson, who couldn’t stop chuckling. “Who knew that the mere sight of a resume requirement could clear a crowd better than a water cannon? We’ve got them running for the hills – or at least back to their parents’ basements.”Local businesses are now reporting a sudden surplus of unfilled positions, while protesters have regrouped online to demand hazard pay for exposure to adult responsibilities. More updates as this crisis unfolds – or as soon as someone clocks in.Reported by Gabe Owners, TDS News – Because sometimes the derangement is just too delicious to ignore.