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NEW YORK CITY — In a harrowing tale of journalistic terrorism, NYC Housing Czar Cea Weaver recounted her traumatic encounter with a relentless reporter who dared to probe the dark secrets of her family’s real estate empire. “It was horrible! They just kept asking me questions! They said my mom may be a white supremacist because she owns a home,” Weaver sobbed to TDS News reporter Gabe Owners, clutching a tissue emblazoned with “Seize Private Property” slogans. Weaver, the freshly appointed tenant tsar under Mayor Zohran Mamdani, has long championed the noble cause of dismantling homeownership as a “weapon of white supremacy masquerading as wealth-building public policy.” But when confronted about her own mother’s $1.4 million Craftsman palace in Nashville—complete with appreciating value in a gentrifying neighborhood—the hypocrisy hit harder than a rent hike. Sources say Weaver burst into tears, fled the scene like a landlord dodging code violations, and barricaded herself in her Crown Heights pad, peeking out from behind a “Free Palestine” poster. “I mean, sure, my mom’s a Vanderbilt professor sitting on a property that skyrocketed from $814,000 to over a mil, but that’s totally different! It’s… uh… collective equity or something,” Weaver reportedly whimpered before deleting her X account faster than you can say “impoverish the white middle class.” Mayor Mamdani stood by his pick, insisting her tears prove she’s committed to “equitable sobbing for all.” TDS News will continue monitoring this developing story of elite socialist fragility. Stay tuned for more on how Weaver plans to seize her mom’s guest room for the proletariat.