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I dedicate this story to all my Democrat acquaintances who fly into foam-flecked rages at the mere mention of "ICE" and/or "Trump." ----------- You ever wake up in Florida and think, “Today’s gonna be calm. I’m just gonna walk my baby and my dog like a normal human being”? Well… welcome to Quail Ranch Road, where serenity goes to die and apparently coffee becomes a weapon of choice. So picture this: A mom, her infant son, and their dog are out enjoying a peaceful morning stroll—probably thinking about brunch, sunshine, and maybe not being screamed at by strangers. But nope. From stage left enters Nina, age 54, armed with a cup of hot caffeine and the emotional stability of a loose spark plug. Now according to deputies, this all began because the mom’s dog wasn’t on a leash. And look—Florida has its rules. But most of us express concern with, “Hey, can you leash your dog?” Not, “LET ME BAPTIZE IT IN STARBUCKS.” Nina starts yelling about leash laws like she’s the HOA president of the universe, and then—because Florida continues to be Florida—she throws her coffee at the mom’s dog. Because nothing says “I care about animal safety” like scalding caffeine assault. But wait, it gets better. An argument breaks out, and Nina apparently decides, “Why stop at the dog when I can level up?” So she moves in and throws more coffee—this time on the mom AND the baby. Ma’am. MA’AM. This is not how we de-escalate things. This is how you get tackled by a Disney security cast member at Animal Kingdom. Deputies show up and see dried coffee on the mom, on the baby, and on the dog. At this point everyone smells like a French vanilla crime scene. The mom even has video footage, which I sincerely hope goes viral with the Benny Hill theme behind it. Nina admits she threw coffee on the dog, but denies throwing it on the mom or baby. “No, officer, that was just… gravity’s fault?” Imagine trying to explain to the sheriff how your latte achieved sentience and attacked a family. Then—plot twist—turns out Nina was born in Finland, is here illegally, and has now earned herself two counts of battery PLUS an ICE detainer. Look, getting deported because you assaulted a baby with a cappuccino has got to be one of the most bizarre ways to exit America. That’s not even a Florida Man headline—that’s Florida Adjacent. So now Nina sits in custody, probably wishing she’d just stuck to decaf and minded her business like the rest of us who don’t hurl beverages during morning walks. The moral of the story? If you’re gonna weaponize your coffee, at least make it Dunkin’. It’s cheaper, it stains less, and you won’t look nearly as pretentious in your mugshot.