photo #5302643

The Genius of Steven Wright:1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.3 - Half the people you know are below average.4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work