photo #1106905

Just to put YOUR problems into perspective: George the squirrel came to me with a problem. Seems Peggy the raccoon is trying to sue him for "critter" support of 150 nuts/month, a nice attic, medical insurance for said critter, and a college education fund. She claims that on New Year's eve, George got drunk on applejack and raped her, which resulted in said critter. I asked George if he DID that, to which he responded "Applejack", claiming amnesia. Unfortunately, when he first heard about the accusations, he posted the below picture of her on one of those revenge sites with the caption " Peggy is an alcoholic trash panda". She responded in kind with this one of him under the caption "George the squirrel rapist". I had no idea this was all going on until my WiFi started getting real slow and hackers tried to penetrate my VPN. That's when things REALLY got dicey. To stop the madness, I changed the password on my WiFi. I had no idea what was going to transpire. I've forgotten a LOT of it, but here's just a few highlights : The first call was from PETA, who informed me I had treated them both badly by suppressing their rights. The next call was from the ACLU, who threatened to sue me for violating their First Amendment rights. The DOJ has opened an investigation over possible violation of civil rights charges. NOW started a " gofundme" for Peggy and sent her a pink hat. The cancel culture informed me that I can only refer to "the critter" as such, until it was old enough to choose which gender it thought it was. My trash company has refused service now on the grounds that I'd be depriving Peggy and the critter of a food source. The local Sheriffs paid me a visit because somebody reported they were offended, and did a critter welfare check. The church around the corner passed a resolution condemning my actions pertaining to alcohol supply for animals, and allowing rapist culture on the property. A Middle East gent stopped by and yelled at us all for not wearing turbans, and Peggy for her lack of a burka. The State Police are fining me for lack of crowd control due to all the picketers from Antifa and Raccoon Lives Matter. The LGBTQWXYZ bunch from down the hill are telling everybody to stay away because we're obviously sexists due to this type of thing occurring on our property. Animal Control called, and said they were told by Social Services to come and pick up the critter. Peggy and George BOTH refuse to allow me to arbitrate this matter because I don't have any fur and I'm not multicolored. UPDATE : This morning , they both showed up at coffee time to discuss the matter in regards to racism after watching The Bachelor last night. Not EVEN was I going to go THERE ! I exploded, said a bunch of things relating to squirrel jerky and coonskin caps, then slammed the door shut in their faces. I just don't know what to do now. Any suggestions? Anybody ? The phone's ringing, gotta go. It's the ASPCA. Maybe THEY'RE going to help me !