My friend Phil Philemon took me ice fishing this morning (or was that last year.) I caught a 10 pound block of ice. But the game warden said it was too small and I had to throw it back. I will have hi... View MoreMy friend Phil Philemon took me ice fishing this morning (or was that last year.) I caught a 10 pound block of ice. But the game warden said it was too small and I had to throw it back. I will have him busted down to the bait shop. Smart aleck know it all.
Today I signed Executive Order number something or other banning sexual assault weapons after Amy Schumer was injured filming another weird erotic scene in an upcoming Tarantino film.
#NotYouToo
With the stroke of a pen I joined one hundred and eleventy five climate treaties and fixed global warming.
You're welcome.
https://www.khou.com/mobile/article/weather/national-guard-texas-freeze-pow... View MoreWith the stroke of a pen I joined one hundred and eleventy five climate treaties and fixed global warming.
You're welcome.
https://www.khou.com/mobile/article/weather/national-guard-texas-freeze-power-outage/285-70a041fb-d113-416f-bbec-99e6ad48ba48
Texas National Guard deployed to help Texans during unprecedented power outage, winter storm
The National Guard will do welfare checks and transport people who need it to warming centers.
The other day I was having brunch with my dear friend Hillary Clinton. She was telling me about the day not long ago she was giving an interview to this silly right wing pundit from the LA Times named... View MoreThe other day I was having brunch with my dear friend Hillary Clinton. She was telling me about the day not long ago she was giving an interview to this silly right wing pundit from the LA Times named Barack Obama.
Barry had the nerve to ask Hillary... Something. I kind of dozed off at that point in the story. But I'm sure it was a great story. Hillary is such a gifted person.... who tells... Storys.
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Our hearts go out to Texans in this time of tragedy. The entire state is a frozen wasteland. I've declared Texas a disaster area. No one should enter or leave Texas ever again. It just can not be fixe... View MoreOur hearts go out to Texans in this time of tragedy. The entire state is a frozen wasteland. I've declared Texas a disaster area. No one should enter or leave Texas ever again. It just can not be fixed. If any Texan survives and wishes to vote in future elections they can mail their ballots to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave in D.C. and I'll make sure it gets counted the right way.
On the up side, Texas is no longer red.
https://dfw.cbslocal.com/2021/02/14/entire-state-of-texas-under-winter-storm-warning/
Entire State Of Texas Under Winter Storm Warning, Federal Emergency Declaration Approved
The entire state of Texas is under a winter storm warning as snow, ice and extremely cold temperatures threaten all 254 counties.
I love you Americans! Happy Valentine's Day!
Today I'm reminded of a love-hate relationship which went just a little bit sideways on Valentine's Day man.
In the late 1700s some chicago business riva... View MoreI love you Americans! Happy Valentine's Day!
Today I'm reminded of a love-hate relationship which went just a little bit sideways on Valentine's Day man.
In the late 1700s some chicago business rivals always enjoyed a very spirited rivalry in business and stuff. But one of them got a bit too spirited and had a bunch of his employees dress up like FBI agents and shoot the schmit out of that other guys worker people.
It was like... A massacre, or, big killing thing, man. On the day of Valentine's. The newspaper people at CNN has a special name for it. But that was so long ago I can't remember what they called it. I was busy looking for some land buy opportunities with my good friend Jeffery Epstein.
I don't know where Jeffery is these days. I expected him to hang around to watch me become Prime Minister of the United States. But he strung me along for a while then quietly disappeared.
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This was my chauffer this morning. He's a funny guy, Larry is. Or is his name Trent? Sally? Oh well, whatever.
On the up side of today, those wacky fun loving gamblers at Wall Street Bets lost a ton of money gambling on the impeachment.
Here's a fun candid moment. I took this photo of Assistant Health Secretary (wannabe) Dr. Rachael Levine as she was checking my prostate. She's surprisingly gentle and has a big heart and tiny fingers... View MoreHere's a fun candid moment. I took this photo of Assistant Health Secretary (wannabe) Dr. Rachael Levine as she was checking my prostate. She's surprisingly gentle and has a big heart and tiny fingers.
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Terrible, terrible news for Americans. It's just awful how the Senate failed us today, man. I can't believe they actually acquitted the most famous criminal in the world and just let that Trump guy of... View MoreTerrible, terrible news for Americans. It's just awful how the Senate failed us today, man. I can't believe they actually acquitted the most famous criminal in the world and just let that Trump guy off Scott free.
I'm going to be taking a few of them out behind the woodshed as soon as my foot completely heals up. It's still a bit sore from the last ass I kicked.
I love you, Americans. Stay safe. Wear a mask. Order from Amazon.
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Here is a photo of me with Vice President Kamala Harris and I enjoying a stand up routine presented by Dr. Anthony Fauci. I never realized how fun medical education can be. It's all in the delivery.
... View MoreHere is a photo of me with Vice President Kamala Harris and I enjoying a stand up routine presented by Dr. Anthony Fauci. I never realized how fun medical education can be. It's all in the delivery.
Speaking of deliveries, I single handedly delivered america's first female VP to the nation's second highest office. I even carried her over the threshold. (Not really, I tried, but with the broken foot and bad back, she ended up having to carry me instead.)
Here's a fun fact about VP Hair is, she's not white! Most voters don't know that and that's why they like her so much. Because they are racists. But together we are going to fix that.
Unite! Wear a mask! Stay home! I got this!
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This is really funny. I love American creative comedy. And i love Bernie. He would have made a great president if he wasn't so old and white.
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