photo #2034660

Part four of continuing story. 4Asking where my father thinks I have been he says he didn't know I was gone. He says he was working out of town and only coming in every other week. I asked him what about when you came in why didn't you notice or ask where I was he said he figured I was staying at a friend's on the weekend which I never have especially twice in month. Then I noticed his face smiling and turning red when I spoke calling him out when he stood up to my argument and asked what makes me talk that way I let out the uncomfortable parts of the last several weeks I had endured he wouldn't show emotion but the tone in his voice went down in a none threatening manner and he knew I could tell he was lying about not knowing I was gone. He called my mother who was listening in the other room trying to stay busy with laundry. I guess I felt surprised they were not making a big deal and stood up for myself challenging them to answer me my father had reached a stopping point in my attempt giving me the feeling he wouldn't break so I now turned to my mother and began with the obvious asking what she did when I didn't come home from school and why they didn't report me missing. On and on I followed her back and forth as she did the laundry washing and drying the same clothes over and over as the evening turned into the night and my voice horse from screaming the truth and the bad things I endured and she was rebuking every word I said but her face showed a different story and a whimper of disgust came out when I said if she didn't acknowledge where I had been then there is no place for me here and sobbing I spoke to my self that I should just go giving up on them as they had done me worse than when they gave me to Ottis Toole. Then as I turned to walk away breathing in exhaustion she cried like Niagara falls screaming and moaning saying how it was the hardest thing for her not to console me and how the FBI told them to keep quiet. Given instructions what to acknowledge and what to expect but she only broke because she feared I would leave and if I left they would be asked when whoever I found that would listen to me and help the helpless 3rd grade grammar school boy that returned knowing what it felt like to kill, to watch killings, to put dead bodies in a pit and chop them in pieces when to heavy. Being feed meat from human organs. Experienced cocaine and DMT. Knowing what it felt like to see a woman shot in the head while I looked down at her face still having sex with her. Knowing what it feels like to have a boy having sex with you to have his throat cut and collapse on your back while you unwittingly waited thinking he is resting until he turned a shade lighter and rigamurtus prevents you from getting up without him clinging to you panicking pulling his dead body over other sleeping boys who only care about the blood that was getting on there blankets. Even knowing what it felt like to try to save a child's soul that under the pain of being shot laying in a pit of dead bodies I put him in unconscious asked me about Jesus Christ because he prayed to his God but his God didn't answer him or remove his pain. Trying my best but in terrible conditions I gave what wisdom I had and he took Jesus Christ into his heart but still complained about the pain and after telling him if he got through it he would be in heaven for eternity just hold on. Becoming confused how he was living longer than other children shot I attempted to pull him out the pit to carry him to get help but he died in my arms before I could pick him up. Inconsolable and in disbelief I carried his dead bleeding body over my shoulders crying out for help as I approached the gate to the compound watching all the other children screaming and running inside even the adults gathering up the tables and chairs as if it were going to rain then closing the big wooden door refusing to help and sending me back to the pit I carried him from to find a man in charge of security scolding me saying the boy is dead pulling him from my arms and throwing him in the pit and I still couldn't accept he was dead as I kept getting him back out the pit as the man kept throwing him finally giving up and telling me to put him back before I come in. Not able to burry him after digging four inches to find the mountain I had to put him back in the pit the sun going down and my spirit tested to it's limits I wouldn't feel good about that experience for over 30 years when I realized I did the best I could the boy asked how to change from his God to Jesus Christ probably only because he was in pain and dying but a honest child who didn't know Jesus asking for Jesus for the right reasons and asked for forgiveness of his sins and asked Jesus to come into his life claiming he would do anything asked of him to be saved. That boy had but a short while to hold those terms and endure pain till the blood clot in his lungs that he was shot in released as I pulled on him thinking I was going to save his body Jesus Christ chosen at that moment to save his soul and he passed from my hands in to the lord's hands. The last thing I was saying to him is how he is just to strong that's why he isn't dying and I was going to come get him out of the pit and carry him to get help and save him that he heard words claiming he would live I wonder about his possible thoughts having just taken Jesus Christ as his savior, continuing to feel the most pain he had ever experienced and being told he would live as his last moment on earth. I'm glad the Lord's will did what it did because I loved him and always wish I could have done better for him than I did carrying the guilt of the reason he was shot is not an easy thing to do but carrying the success of the opportunity to receive Jesus Christ as his savior is the most rewarding thing as a human being I have ever experienced and have seen no equal to its comfort on days like coming back from Barks Dale AFB to my childhood home to find my parents not interested in where I had been for the last month not even reporting that I was missing. When it's time to forgive those who refuse to acknowledge you remember not to hold your forgiveness as a bargaining chip or reward for the acknowledgment you still seek unable to forget doesn't mean unable to forgive, and moving forward means moving with or without who you may have always had by your side. Look for more continuing story post soon to come.