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With sweat beading on his forehead as he pressed his tongue to his lips in concentration, President Joe Biden reportedly shot himself in the foot Wednesday in hopes of getting discharged from the presidency. “All right, Joe, it’s going to hurt like hell, but if it gets you out of this snake pit, it’ll be more than worth it,” said the president, who winced as he sat behind the Resolute desk and pointed a handgun at his bare foot, muttering a prayer and finally pulling the trigger in an effort to obtain a medical leave laid up in a bed far away from the Oval Office. “Jesus Christ! Ah shit, shit, shit! Okay, it’s really bleeding a lot. I gotta get a towel to stanch the bleeding. Goddammit! Well, whatever. The pain is nothing compared to another moment spent here in the trenches. Hey—anyone out there? I could use some help!” At press time, the heavily bleeding commander-in-chief was overheard speculating that if this didn’t get him discharged, he could always ask his buddy to help him cut off a finger from his bill-signing hand.