photo #171294

So, there I am, minding my own business, shooting the shit in the wardroom of the Cold-War winning USS Hamsterhead, chillin over coffee while we were tied up in Norfolk, starboard side to, when all of a sudden the executive officer, the second-in-command, Commander Boxin' Tony Chocolate Moose, comes boppin in, points his big finger at me and assigns me the most shitty collateral duty in existence, that of running the 1984 United Way Campaign. A smirk on his goddamned asshole face, he bounces back up to his fuckin' stateroom. Now being assigned as the coordinator of the United Way Campaign was a triple insult, because, after all, I was FUCKIN BUSY fighting goddamned COMMUNISM and didn't have time for that shit! Second, I was MPA workin for Das FENG (the fucking engineer) who was running my virgin ass around as if I were a plebe, tryin' to fix the goddamned broke-dick engine-house. Third, seriously, charity? You're going to get donations from the enlisted guys who are stretched as it is? The older of whom have dependas to take care of? So I have to give speeches to bored enlisted folk about how great the charity is and will they please donate their hard-earned money to keep me out of trouble with the Moose and Captain Ball Bearings? Every goddamned day for a month, the Moose and Commander They-Took-My-Strawberries harassed me about the United Way Campaign. "Hey, Mercury, how's the donation level?" and "Hey, hey, MPA, how many donations didja get today?" Naturally I didn't take it seriously until Queeg and Moose called me to the captain's stateroom and said, look, "LOOK AT THIS fucking THERMOMETER graph of how little the boat has donated, Mr. Mercury! We're being measured against other boats in the SQUADRON! This is serious SHIT! You have been neglecting your COLLATERAL DUTY! You have to get OUT THERE and get our donations up until we have donated $3000 for the ship! That's our QUOTA!" So far, only ten guys had donated, one of them me, a total of $5/month, so the "mercury" in the thermometer (get it?) was at $600 and we had $2400 to go. And we were running out of time! This 30-day campaign had only half a week to go! So I did the only rational thing. I signed up for a donation of $200/month, the amount totaling $2400/year, the amount we were short. The boat made quota on time. Captain Queeg got an atta-boy from the commodore. Did Moose or Queeg compliment me? Nope. Did they lay off their bullshit? Again, nope. Day after the campaign ended, I made some phone calls and terminated my donation, telling whoever was on the other end it was fraudulent (after all, it kinda was). My paycheck immediately returned to normal. Total amount donated by me to the United Way Campaign? Zero dollars. Because, after all, you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin. And that, gentlemen, is a no-shitter.